AP Literature final project
Hey, it’s Grace. Grace Schaaf. Live and in writing. So take a second and settle in, because I am about to tell you the story of my high school career. More specifically, how it’s ending. The following 18 topics are words of advice, stories, or mistakes. If you are reading this that means that you want to know about my past or more about me. Either way, get ready for the 18 things about my past that I want you to know.
1) The first thing you should be aware of is the fact that you should always listen to your gut. My freshman year I got involved with an upper classmen that truly ruined me. The relationship was abusive in every sense of the word. I ignored every instinct I had and ignored all of my doubts, which led to my ultimate self destruction. The impact of the decisions I made about and surrounding the situation just led to immense chaos and pain for every party involved. To this day I have nightmares about him that never seem to end. So this one is for the people who are innocent, kind, soft and insecure. Do not under any circumstance let another human being dictate your self worth or how you feel. If they are hurting you in any capacity please run. You do not deserve this kind of pain. If your gut is telling you something is wrong but you can not seem to get away please ask for help. The bravest thing you can do in an awful relationship is to listen to your gut, remove yourself from the situation as much as you possibly can, cut all ties with said toxic person, and run. Never doubt yourself. Here is some advice for the next one.
1) The first thing you should be aware of is the fact that you should always listen to your gut. My freshman year I got involved with an upper classmen that truly ruined me. The relationship was abusive in every sense of the word. I ignored every instinct I had and ignored all of my doubts, which led to my ultimate self destruction. The impact of the decisions I made about and surrounding the situation just led to immense chaos and pain for every party involved. To this day I have nightmares about him that never seem to end. So this one is for the people who are innocent, kind, soft and insecure. Do not under any circumstance let another human being dictate your self worth or how you feel. If they are hurting you in any capacity please run. You do not deserve this kind of pain. If your gut is telling you something is wrong but you can not seem to get away please ask for help. The bravest thing you can do in an awful relationship is to listen to your gut, remove yourself from the situation as much as you possibly can, cut all ties with said toxic person, and run. Never doubt yourself. Here is some advice for the next one.
2) Dancing is the oxygen my feet have always needed to breathe. Ever since I could walk I have been performing. Over the past fifteen years I have given my heart and soul to dance. As I grew older however I strayed farther away from my dancing roots; but through all the crazy turns life has thrown at me, my Aunt Jen’s studio has always been home. I have danced every style you could imagine; I even spent my summers at the studio doing extra classes as well as an intense week of all choreography known as “Dance Camp,” which is when over the course of four days you learn over twenty five routines and then on the fifth day you perform what you learned over the week in front of friends, family and the community. The thrill of dancing and pushing yourself every week is the most extraordinary feeling. It hurts my heart to know that dancing is not specifically written into my future anymore...but no matter what I know I will never forget where I come from and what shaped me into the person I am. I would also like to mention how grateful I am to my aunt, Jen West. My Aunt Jen has pushed me farther than any human ever has and she has been by my side and believed in me even when no one else did. No matter if it is done professionally or you are just dancing in your pajamas in your room- dancing is the ultimate stress reliever and I highly recommend dance to everyone. I am eternally grateful to Spirit Expressions Studio of Dance and my entire dance family. I hope you dance.
3) School has always been my least favorite activity ever since I was very young. I much rather would have danced and played all day rather than spend the school day trying to solve fractions that I didn’t understand. Truthfully, it only got worse in high school. Because of the previously mentioned relationship that tore me apart in high school, my focus was much more on staying alive than the actual school work itself; and because of that I let my grades slip a lot. I am certainly not saying that I am dumb, but what I am saying is you have to find a balance between having fun and actually applying yourself. Your grades do matter, but not enough to waste your life away trying to be perfect all the time. You will not understand everything and you will fail tests, just do not let a letter grade or a percentage consume you. You are more than your grades.
4) There are good and bad teachers. Sadly when you are from a small town the majority of your teachers just simply do not care. We are not going to talk about the teachers that don’t care, we are going to talk about the teachers that care a lot. Starting with Mrs. Moberg; Mrs. Moberg is the most sweet, kind hearted person you will ever meet. You can’t help but smile when she calls the class her “babies” and all of the other cute nicknames she has come up with. Sadly, not everyone likes Mrs. Moberg, but no matter what other people think, I believe Mrs. Moberg is a great teacher with a lot of feelings. The second teacher who really stood out was Mr. Morrill. I took his psychology class as a sophomore and I fell in love with the idea of psychology. There was always so much to learn. Not only were the lesson plans manageable and not overwhelming, Mr. Morrill made it fun to learn which was essential. To this day I regret not waiting until senior year to take psych. The third teacher I will never forget was Mrs. Mercer. Mrs. Mercer taught yearbook, video and newspaper. Her sweet nature and her unwavering ability to inspire students was admirable to say the least. Not only did she work hard, she taught us how to be imaginative and to create, which is a lesson I will never forget. The final teacher I will always remember is Mrs. Hebert. Mrs. Hebert has pushed me, and everyone in my class to be not only better writers and readers; but she also taught us how to be perceptive, how to pick up on the smallest details and create an entire story. Even though in senior AP Literature we all did our fair share of slacking, we can all agree Mrs. Hebert is one of the best teachers we have ever had and will ever have. She simply is incredible and she never gives up.
5) Netflix. Don’t laugh, but netflix has always come in clutch during my high school years. Whenever I needed a stress reliever or a break I knew I could always count on netflix to take my mind off of my troubles. For the record, I have counted and over the past four years I have watched approximately 57 entire series on netflix. Do I regret wasting my time on netflix? Absolutely not. Will I continue to watch netflix and hide my problems in a new series? Of course. This may seem like a silly one, but netflix has been instrumental in helping me get through high school.
6) Theater has been both the best and the worst thing to ever happen to me. Yet this is the career path I have chosen to follow for the rest of my life. Theater is the worst thing to ever happen me in regards to the hours of rehearsal, the tears shed throughout the whole process, the stress of messing up, the rigorous days of learning your lines upside down and backwards, and the amount of effort and soul you put into every show just to have it end in just a few short months. However, theater is the best thing to happen to me because I love the chaos, I love being busy, I love the smell of fresh costumes and the feeling of the hot stage lights radiating of your skin. I love doing what I love, and making others feel emotions in the process. So many times I have tried stepping away from theater and listening to everyones advice of following a “more reliable” career path. The heart wants what it wants, and a piece of will always be an actress and a performer first.
7) Family is complicated. Of course, you already knew that. Nevertheless we are going to discuss my family. My family is full of secrets, just like any other family I suppose. I grew up in a family where there are certain things we just don’t talk about. We do not talk about how I am sick. Every time I am even the slightest bit off the first question is “Have you taken your medication?” The answer is always yes, but it is the principle of the matter. The fact that their first assumption is to blame the illness in my head and not the ones in my immediate environment. We also do not discuss how much money we have. Ever. Most times when people come to my house they tend to see the glass china cabinet and the broken grandfather clock and the gardens of flowers around the house. Not the way we all look at each other. Don’t get me wrong...I love my family more than anything. They have all done so much for me, more than they should. It is just a struggle being an adult when you aren’t treated like one. Most people I know choose their family due to various circumstances, and in a way I do the same. I hold close the people who I love and trust and who are there for me always. In this case I choose my dad’s side of the family because even though we are all different, we are the same. I wouldn’t trade any of them for anything. When it comes to my mom’s side, I admit I do choose. I choose to not associate with the people who have hurt not only my mom but me too. My mother is very forgiving and chooses to love everyone, yet I hold grudges. I am not going to pretend to love my grandmother who forgets my birthday every year. Not because she is old, but because she chooses to forget. I don’t want to delve too much into the specifics about every person, but I do want to say that family is a touchy subject, but at the end of the day who you choose and what you have or don’t have is your family. You are your family too. Don’t forget to hold those you love close...because one day, they will all be gone.
8) Fear. Fear is what motivates me to keep on keepin on. Every time I have been placed with a fear, I overcome it. For instance when I was young I was called a “cry baby” because I didn’t like scary movies. So when I became a teenager I slowly started to get into scary movies until I wasn’t afraid anymore. Now scary movies are my favorite to watch. The most significant fear I overcame was fear of the dark. I was afraid of the dark until I was seventeen years old. Which in retrospect is very humiliating. When I was seventeen I spent a week in a psychiatric hospital; at said hospital I had a roommate named Bree who could not sleep with a light on or it would give her crippling migraines. To overcome my fear, every single night we would turn off one light and she would talk to me and keep me occupied until I fell asleep. Now I can’t sleep well with the light on anymore...you can always overcome your wildest fears, if at first you just truly believe that you can.
9) This topic is by far the most personal in my opinion. My senior year of high school I was placed in a psychiatric hospital named Forrest View for one week. Many people believe that hospitalizations are a thing to be ashamed of or something that shouldn’t be talked about, I believe that hospitalizations are not at all something to be ashamed of. It is a thing that happened to me that was unfortunate, but I got help. The reason I was placed in a psychiatric hospital is because I was having suicidal thoughts originating from constant nightmares and flashing thoughts based on the previously mentioned abusive relationship. I realize that writing about these things might trigger some or make others upset that want to forget the past...but this is my story. When you think of a psychiatric hospital you may think of electroshock therapy, screaming and/or straight jackets. These things are not the case. At a psychiatric hospital you focus on nothing but your treatment and getting better. There is no electroshock therapy or scary wards no one enters. The hospital is constantly flooded with light and positivity despite all of us suicidal kids in one place. While I was there I had a roommate named Bree who became one of my best friends, with her help I got over my fear of the dark and because of me Bree became a lot more open and talkative which really helped her treatment and mine. When I look back at the hospital I know it changed me for the better. Even though hate and fear drove me to the hospital, I left completely changed, happy and prepared for life like I had never been before. There are days I miss not only the people among me at the hospital, but also the workers that were there 24/7 to listen to us and help us get out of such a dark place. I will forever be grateful for the lessons learned and the time spent in such an accepting place.
10) Regrets. As much as I love to quote the musical “Rent” by saying “Forget regret, or life is yours to miss”, the truth is I am flooded with regret. My biggest regret was hurting a girl by helping her boyfriend at the time cheat. Even though it was a matter of life and death in my case, I should never have done something so despicable. I also regret staying silent about the abuse until it was too late to do anything. Another regret to add to the list was the fact that a woman and teacher who gave me everything passed away when I didn’t even really know she was sick. That teachers name is Mrs. Ball, though when I first met her her name was Mrs. Murray. She was a veteran and she taught me so many incredible things about both life and history. Despite my list of regrets, I would not change a single thing. Every regret and mistake and misfortune has brought me to be the person I am today. So if you mess up and/or have regrets, the best thing to do is forgive yourself and keep going. Living in the past and dwelling on mistakes is going to harm you in some way, so keep on keeping on and remember to always forgive yourself.
11) Speaking of forgiveness, that brings us to our next topic. Forgiveness is a delicate and tricky thing, especially in high school. With all of the hormones and chaos of high school many people are indecisive which makes forgiveness much harder. One day you will think you and your friend are okay again and then the next you will hear they are spreading rumors about you. So this is me telling all of you, forgiveness is an essential part of life. If for some reason you are unsure how you feel about a person or situation, instead of spreading rumors, take a while to really think about how you want to handle a situation. There is enough hate circulating at all times, especially in high school. How about we all spread forgiveness and kindness instead of negativity and hate? Because at the end of the day, we could all use forgiveness.
12) Change. It is an inevitable part of life that is most times the hardest to accept. Changing in high school can be a death sentence. Personally, over the past four years I have changed drastically. Coming into freshman year I had short hair above my shoulders and bangs, braces, I wore was too much make up every single day and I was a devoted christian. Sadly, I went through a lot and lost many friends, but I would not change a thing. To all those that left me because of the constant changing, and to all I have left behind, thank you for all you have done for me...but finally after four years, I love who I am.
Who i am
I am someone who changes constantly. I am someone who loves every second of life. I am a dancer and an actress and I am still unsure of so many things. But I would not change a single thing….I am a sister, a daughter, a cousin and a friend. I love music and people and I absolutely never give up.
what i am proud of
I am proud that I am still alive. Every day someone tells me that they are happy I am still alive and that they are surprised I made it this far. And the truth is, I am surprised too. I take pride in how people trust me with their secrets. I also take pride in the fact that I am going to college in the first place, but more importantly, that I am following my dreams. A lot of people told me to pick a more reliable career or at least take time to think of a career that pays more. However, I am proud that I am going into something I love, and that is Acting. I take pride in how far I have come and I am proud that I am still alive, despite everything.
my advice
Always follow your gut. If you are ever in a situation that makes you uncomfortable or where someone is hurting you in every way, run. No matter how much you think you may love them they will only continue to hurt you. It is okay to ask for help. Ask your parents for help too because even though you may think they don’t listen or that they don’t care, they do. If you have been hurt, it is okay to let people in. Also all of the steps above will (hopefully) help you figure out high school, trust your instincts. If I could go back and re do high school, I wouldn’t give myself away to everyone who even hints that they may care about you. I would have tried harder in high school and cared about my grades instead of trying to pull my grades up last minute senior year. I would have spent more time on me instead of worrying about the people around me who truly never cared about me in the first place. So take this to heart, never give up and never give yourself away to others who don’t care about you. Love yourself.